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| Kabir's Italian radio show Ch@t - weekly wrap - More matters of life and death this week, as the pirate and his chatmate explore the flamingo position, internet relationships, near-drowning and mafia protection rackets, to close the week in the Rick's Cafe in Casablanca. Play it again, Yanez! #26 - Tonight we find Sandokan on an enchanted lake, where he watches two flamingoes practising the ancient art of the Kamasutra. So how does our lakeside voyeur manage to chat with Verdeluna? He's old fashioned: he uses an ever longer cable to hook up to the telephone. So, let us examine the Flamingo Position: both birds stand on one leg, their necks entwined. It's very difficult, says Sandosutra, who would have liked to try it out for himself, if it weren't for his gammy knees. Now Verdeluna's daughter Patrizia is another matter. She has confessed to still being a virgin, an awkward condition for a girl of 18 with a DJ boyfriend. And how embarrassing during sex education class at school! No worries, says Sandokan, flamingoes spend a full year in courtship before their first entwining of necks. What is the contraceptive method taught to Patrizia? Even in these days of enlightenment, it's Ogino-Knauss. Sandokan knows it well. You guessed it, Mr Knauss is a recent visitor to Mompracem! All the pirates listened to his lectures with great attention. And nine months later, they all fled on a cruise ship. Bloody globla.. glibol.. globalisation! And Mr Knauss? He sailed into the sunset with a pretty Malaysian girl, with whom he had 20 children... Verdeluna had a long heart-to-heart conversation with Patrizia, and now feels much more of a mother to her. To me, you're Mammaluna, Daughterluna, Wifeluna and Sisterluna all rolled into one, says Sandokan. Martina, the siren-voiced shop assistant, has turned out to be a great success with Sir Hugo after all. To everyone's surprise, she has now got an indefinite contract! How much that man has changed! Come, Verdeluna, let us follow the warm winds of Mompracem and travel beyond the stars, where thousands of little men are keeping the universe in order, the mechanics that make it all happen. Look, they are making a shooting star! Let us a sit and watch the spectacle, and when it is over, a red curtain will cover the stage, and it will be dawn again. Alas, it will come to an end, always, but every evening it begins all over again. And we have the best seats in the theatre! #27 - Verdeluna is late, and Sandokan wonders if she is somewhere out there on the ocean, in a lifeboat. But no, she is safe and sound at home. But talking of lifeboats reminds Verdeluna of her holidays on the beach at Cesenatico, on Italy's Adriatic coast, when she was a little girl. She recalls the hot sand, the smell of sea and suntan lotion, the taste of an ice cream. Sounds a lot like Mompracem, says Sandokan. Not really, it was a very busy beach, where everyone got lost and was looking for everyone else. Then she would play pinball with her brothers, and win, because she always teamed up with Walter, a very gifted player. If pinball were a religion, Walter would be its pope. Vittorio even confessed that always losing at pinball is what really drove him to drink... Happiness is a magnificent sand castle in our hearts, says our eastern sage, and we must look after it very carefully. Verdeluna remembers how one day at Cesenatico, Vittorio saved her life. She had secretly taken Christian's snorkelling mask and went for a swim with it, marvelling at the weird world of swimmers' legs, just below the surface. But as she swam further and further away from the shore, she suddenly panicked, feeling herself being dragged ever deeper into the water, becoming all water herself... When she finally came to, there was a group of people standing around her as she lay on the beach, like angels and demons judging the little girl and deciding if she was to go to heaven or hell. And then there was Vittorio, giving her artificial respiration, which he had learned at school. Such a courageous big brother... That's the day when Verdeluna ceased to be a child, when her dolls were fond memories but no longer toys. Verdeluna's father was in tears, looking on his daughter as if she were an angel from paradise. I should give you such a very big telling off, he said, but I'm so very happy that nothing happened to you and that Vittorio was so brave... #28 - Verdeluna speaks of her honeymoon with Renato, The Twit. They went to Morocco, where she enjoyed a huge feast of the senses, and he would only eat Italian food, and drink espresso. On the plane, they hit severe turbulence and the aircraft plunged thousands of metres into what seemed to be an empty void. Renato was the only passenger who was laughing out loud! So let me take you to safer and quieter waters, Verdeluna. Let me count the ways to your heart... Verdeluna is dreaming of a Navy officer in full white uniform, who will sweep her away from her humdrum life as a shop assistant. An officer and a gentleman... aaahhhh..... Which brings the discussion to Richard Gere. You guessed it - another Mompracem passer-by. He arrived on a ship all on his own, in full dress uniform, and the women went crazy. What wonderful evenings they passed, Sandokan and Yanez, sipping exquisite coffee at the kiosk with Riccardo Girino - that's the star's real name, the pirate reveals. So how would you come and collect me, Sandokan? Well first, I'd fire one of the cannons on my ship, to give you plenty of time to pack your bags - women are slow at that - and then I'd send a tiger, accompanied by her cubs, to bring you straight to your pirate and your gentleman. The whole town would walk out to see you, transfixed with wonder and curiosity, as the tiger slowly but firmly leads the way. Then there'd be a guard of honour on my gallion to welcome you, Verdeluna. The tiger will come! Good things come to those who wait... Verdeluna talks about the day when Renato finally popped the question. He found the most romantic spot ever, outside a church with a wonderful garden, and pulled out the rings. Verdeluna, beyond herself with excitement, said "yes!" - and The Twit dropped the ring that he was going to put on his fiancee's finger. Down a hill it rolled, and into a pond, and first the sexton, then the priest, then the priest's housekeeper, and two parishioners who had come for confession had to help fish it out. All to no avail. It finally took the fire brigade to recover the jewel, and to celebrate, they turned on their siren and flashing blue lights.... #29 - Can you sell your dreams or can you only give them away? Pirates, in any case, don't much care for buying or selling. Sandokan's gift to Yanez was the dream of opening a kiosk, and Verdeluna inspired her son to take up playing the trumpet. Verdeluna speaks of the new hairdressing salon that has opened up next door. The owner is a great source of gossip, and they talked about chatting on the internet. Verdeluna's online relationship with Sandokan, however, remains secret, locked away on the hard disk of her heart. So the story turns to BigJim63 and Barbie69, two chatters who finally meet in real life. He gets off the train from Palermo to Milan, at the town where Barbie lives, and they kiss passionately on a station bench, with the crowds milling around them. Six months later, they get married! Of course, Barbie69 is none other than the hairdresser herself. - "When my love swears that she is made of truth," says Sandokan... Even though I know she is lying, I believe her, just so that she will think I am young and inexperienced, innocent of the subtle ways of the world. Shakespeare? Nope. Yanez. Drunk. But Verdeluna and Sandokan are a different story altogether. But Barbie has a more serious story to tell. Just after opening her salon, a gang of youths burst in and demanded protection money. Just pay every month or the shop goes up in flames, they said... Which raises the issue why Verdeluna has never heard of her own shop being threatened. Either it was miraculously left alone, or the gang spoke with Sir Hugo, who hasn't said a word to his co-owner. Verdeluna is determined to break through the wall of silence and take a stand against the mobsters. If only the tiger were there to help her... One day on Mompracem, Yanez fell in love with a femme fatale, a really ill-tempered woman they all called Mata Hari. But he loved her for it, and they spent many days hiding in the forest together, always fighting, and scaring the parrots with their cries. After a few weeks, however, the Mompracem climate had worked its wonders on Yanez' love, and she was as sweet as a pussycat. And Yanez? He sent her back to where she came from. She had become much too docile for him. Let us escape into the forest, Verdeluna, and argue and shout until our lungs burst, and then let us make love forever... #30 - Verdeluna has been chatting to Saint Francis, who has been trying to convince her to throw all her clothes out of the window and go about naked. What does Saint Sandokan think of that? Well, Saint Francis received the stigmata, and laid down his life for those in need, as did Gandhi.... But not, the pirate is interested in less saintly pursuits. He rather fancies himself a Don Giovanni, and Verdeluna, too, likes him better that way... One day, he was near the island of Mindanao, in the Philippines, and encountered a group of missionaries, helping the poor. So the pirate decided to give them a purseful of money and... that evening, the purse was full of coins again. Sandokan wept: the miracle convinced him he was wrong in giving only one purse, instead of all he had. It's all a matter of mentality. If there are rich people and poor people, mankind has got it all wrong. Take Yanez' example: he actually gave all his clothes away, and went around naked. Only it had some alarming effects on other people, and he decided to get dressed again. Verdeluna isn't feeling well, and has to work tomorrow. Sandokan will ask Yanez to play As Time Goes By. Please take me to some smoky barroom, Sandokan, where the whiskey tastes of melancholy, where your eyes burn, where women look at you from under their hats... maybe something out of Casablanca? Wait Verdeluna, the love you see in those bars is a love that hurts. The love that has turned you into the most enchanted woman in the world, and that now is no longer there. How is Verdeluna's brother Christian, the sergeant serving in Iraq? He'll be on home leave in a month, and the family can't wait to see him. However, he will go back to war, which is his duty and his calling. Too bad we can't all be like Gandhi, or Saint Francis, says Sandokan. Food, water, shelter, air conditioning... these are the things that make all men into egoists. Verdeluna just loves her Versace shoes, is that egotistical too? I'd just live to see you in them, Verdeluna. I love that woman, that girl who shows all her beauty... Would you lean back over the bonnet of a car for me, or will we sit close by at the bar in Casablanca? Ohhh. play it again, Sam... Achoo, Verdeluna sneezes. All the colds in the world disappear here, in Casablanca. This is the best flu cure in the world, says Verdeluna. So what do you take on Mompracem when you have a cold? Yanez' recipe is tortoiseshell broth with lizards' tongues. Actually, no, pirates never get sick, but they do need cuddles... ...to be continued You'll find daily updates of Kabir's radio show CH@T online at kabir-bedi.com... |
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