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| The Rich, the Mad, and the Famous | |
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| Kabir's Italian radio show Ch@t - weekly wrap - This week, TV crews descend on Mompracem to film the reality soap "Island of the Rich." We also meet Sting, a hippo on a Vespa, and a deluded artist washing his paintings in a coin-op laundry. We round the week off with a good pelting of ostrich eggs. And oh yes, it's serious between Valerio and his very astrophysical boyfriend! #36 - It's showtime on Mompracem: they're filming L'Isola dei Facultosi, the Island of the Rich, a reality soap starring Steve Jobs, George Bush, Onassis, Madonna, you name them. Bribed by the promise of an i-phone, Sandokan has helped Jobs, who was about to faint with hunger. But his money is on Bush, who has brought his hunting rifle with him as the only personal object he is allowed to bring. And the pirate, not known for his love of football, he declined the offer of the Milan team by Silvio Berlusconi, who was pining for a can of tuna. But isn't it all a fake in these reality shows? Not everything, unfortunately, not quite everything... Verdeluna has dreamt about her brother Walter, the priest, who was roasting a very large goat. So she went to join him for morning mass, at half past six. Verdeluna likes small country churches, especially in summer when they're wonderfully cool and quiet inside. Sandokan offers to build her one on the beach of Mompracem! So what happened during Mass? Verdeluna fell asleep again, that's what. The peace and quiet, the darkness, and the familiar voice of her brother... and afterwards, he woke her up. Even the four little nuns were gone... Verdeluna told her brother about the goat dream, which according to him meant she should come and see him more often. So what did Sandokan do before breakfast? He did some triathlon: a swim around the island, twice round it again by bike in the sand, and three cross-island runs straight through the jungle. The trick is to get up straightaway, without thinking. And what if there were something to delay you? Oh, I'd do some mattress Olympics, beginning with a round of Kamasu.... Or you could listen to one of Yanez' Sunrise Concerts on the beach. Classical music conducted by Karajan, Riccardo Muti, Zubin Mehta... So just sit there, dressed in your luscious sarong, sipping a cup of tea. And Sandokan? He'd be dressed in a dinner-jacket, presenting the concert. And then he'd sit down with her, and his hands would slip under the sarong, exploring unkown worlds.... But don't worry Verdeluna, I am an honourable pirate... #37 - Mompracem has had a surprise visit from Sting, and after a long jam session at Yanez' kiosk the night took Sandokan by surprise. As always, he's late, of course. Verdeluna has had a surprise visitor, too: Vanessa Paradiso, The Twit's little girlfriend, has walked into La Urla, the fashion shop she runs with Sir Hugo. How she would have liked to take her to the kickboxing ring for a little punishment, reducing the silly girl to apple compote as her friend from South Tyrol would have done. She was looking for some woollen jumpers for Renato, her lover and Verdeluna's useless ex. A good woollen jumper is better than a nice joint, proclaims Sandokan. Hold on, you've been smokimg marihuana? Well, without inhaling, just like my friend Bill Clinton. Sir Hugo, who knows all about The Twit, smiled sweetly to Vanessa as he asked, "Are these for your father?" - so that the poor girl blushed scarlet before she stumbled out of the shop. Verdeluna tells Sandokan how she'd borrow her brother Walter's Vespa scooter when she was 16, to go in search of boys. How she felt on top of the world! But coming back was the hard part, tearing herself away from her beau after kissing him forever and forever... At one point, she drove the scooter with her head turned back towards the boy, and they crashed. She broke an arm, he broke a leg, and it could all have ended far worse if they hadn't landed in soft grass... Sandokan and Yanez once drove their scooter straight into a hippopotamus. The hippo, a former circus animal, was an expert driver and took their Vespa away from them, trundling off into the jungle... Verdeluna felt desperately guilty about wrecking Walter's Vespa, so she worked all summer, picking apples, to buy him a new one. In the end, Walter gave it to her when he entered the seminary to become a priest. Before, he was a factory worker and a trade union man, always out to improve his fellow workers' lot after the workplace death of his father. #38 - Verdeluna has been posing for a sexy calendar, for charity, and is terribly excited about the project. Dressed in little more than a Father Christmas hat, she will be on the December page. And guess who they've roped in for the month of March? None other than Sir Hugo! The Mompracem pirates once had similar plans, but couldn't agree on how to split the proceeds. No way calendar-boy Sandokan would have taken any less than Blackbeard or Captain Morgan! Valerio has written that he and his boyfriend, the Panama diver, are now officially together. The man in question is actually an astrophysicist from Mexico City, and with a stellar physique himself, quips Verdeluna. Sir Hugo says Valerio is lucky to have found his kindred spirit in Acapulco of all places, and... that Verdeluna should choose the shop's spring collection and... that she should tell her son he has a wonderful mother... - Verdeluna is moved to tears, crying on top of the Father Christmas hat that she is still clutching. - The spring collection is to be full of audacious colour, showing lots of confidence and joy to be alive. Sandokan agrees that spring calls for something life-affirming. He is going to get a pedalo to sit on the beach next to Yanez' kiosk, inspired by the mayor of the Italian resort of Riccione, who recently passed by on the island. - Verdeluna is thinking of volunteering one morning every week at the family unit of the prison where Patrizia works - the unit where little Roberto is from, the boy who once wrecked her peaceful Sunday afternoon with his noise... And she's gone to the meadow where she used to go as a little girl with her friend Olivia, the yodelling kickboxer. - In your world there are two children, three brothers, one ex-husband, Sir Hugo, and your friend Olivia - that's Verdeluna's hemisphere! - And what's Sandokan's? Yanez, and all the seas of Monpracem. Together, the two hemispheres make up a single, unique world. I wish you were sitting on my knee, with a pirate's bandanna tied around your forehead, sipping rum. Don't worry, I told you I am a pirate and a gentleman. Oh too bad... that it's all in the imagination... #39 - Verdeluna's words have been flying through the air over Mompracem, and Sandokan has caught them im his little net before they fell to the ground. They speak of her lips, like ripe apricots, and of his eyes, full of life, and his proud forehead. Oooff... That's hot stuff, Sandokan! Verdeluna complains her apartment is overheated, and she has to pay for the privilege. Yanez has opened a coin-op laundrymat next to his kiosk, and Verdeluna has woken up to find out her washing machine is broken, out of order, kaputt. And there's a lake of soapy water all over the apartment. Maybe Yanez could open a branch of his laundry business, "Clean on the inside" in Verdeluna's neighbourhood? It comes with a lush library, internet point, and a bar that sells Yanez' exquisite coffee. Or she could set one up herself, called "Beautiful on the inside, Clean on the outside". Coin-op laundries are places of great mystery, Sandokan declares. Even the other day he was washing some sails of his gallion, staring into the machine as it exploded into its spin-drying cycle. Then he was accosted by a painter, who wanted to launder hundreds of his canvasses because, he said, they were the works of a madman. So Sandokan sat and watched him fill all the machines with deranged works of art and bursting into the wildest of colours as the artist turned them on. What was the painter's name? Something like "Van Gogh," although it was probably just a namesake... Which reminds Verdeluna of her brother Vittorio, who has taken up painting to help himself heal from alcoholism. His works aren't just paintings, they're full of strange bits of paper and plastic, nails, even toothpaste. But Vittorio has poured out all his anger, frustration and angst. And he looks a lot better than he used to! Verdeluna recalls how when she was a little girl, she shared a room with Vittorio. Her brother's idea of fun was to doodle on the wallpaper. One day, when nearly the whole room was covered, she complained. Vittorio got out a bucket of white paint and painted the whole room white, along with everything in it, even Verdeluna's favourite doll... How she begged him to restore everything to normal, even the defaced wallpaper... And does Sandokan have any childhood memories? He lives by the day, our pirate does, without looking too far ahead or behind. He's not afraid of death, and his funeral will be one giant party! All' assalto!!! #40 - This time, Verdeluna is so fed up with waiting that she nearly turns off her computer. Sandokan wants to say a prayer for a long-departed friend, who once came to Mompracem: Pier Paolo Pasolini. He was an excellent footballer, and Sandokan remembers how once he scored a near-impossible header against the monkey Darwin, on an assist by Yanez. And if that wasn't enough, he once rid the island of a pelican plague by luring the birds, just like the Pied Piper, to a meeting outside Yanez' kiosk with the Mompracem fishermen, to settle their differences. He worked out that pelicans communicate with their feet, and simply learned their language. And to this day, pelicans and fishermen each stick to their part of the island, and peace reigns among all. Is that really true? Well, no, it's a little fable that Mompracemers like to tell each other over a cup of exquisite coffee. But all the same, Pasolini had such an eye for life that he was loved and revered by all. Sandokan remembers how they staged a production of Shakespeare's Othello, with home-made Sicilian puppets, for which Pier Paolo had a passion. Sandokan spoke the role of Othello, and Pasolini that of Iago, his nemesis. Yanez was Desdemona, Othello's wife, whom he kills in a fit of jealous rage, having been manipulated into thinking that she was unfaithful. The story didn't go down at all well on Mompracem, where betrayal is regarded as the worst possible offence against mankind. The actors had to stop the play amid a hail of coconuts, chairs, mangos, and ostrich eggs! Later, as the three of them were sitting on the beach, Pasolini said the citizens of Mompracem were right to rebel against insincerity and betrayal. And he sighed deeply. A day or so later, he left silently, and that was the last they ever saw or heard of the great artist... He died on the second of November, many years ago... ...to be continued You'll find daily updates of Kabir's radio show CH@T online at kabir-bedi.com... |
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