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| Kabir's Italian radio show Ch@t - weekly wrap - This week, Verdeluna's Fiat 131 reincarnates as a dinosaur, Verdeluna reincarnates as a moonfish, Patrizia grows up, and we learn about the seductive power of fried onions. And uh-oh, there's a bit of a row brewing between our two chatters... #51 - Oh Lord, won't you buy me... Verdeluna is in dire need of a new car, even a used one is fine, thank you. Connecting, connecting... But Sandokan is quite out of his depth when it comes to automobiles. Well, she could perhaps borrow his gallion for a couple of days? Her old Fiat 131 has finally gone to meet its makers, if that's what cars do when their time comes. She was on her way to work when the old girl finally packed it in, while Verdeluna was waiting for the lights to change, and she was showered with a torrent of abuse from the waiting cars behind. But there was a happy moment with the 131 too... Behind her, a gorgeous mechanic pulled up... Hang on, wasn't The Twit a mechanic too? But what's that got to do with it! The handsome young man loaded the 131 onto his trailer and took car and driver to his workshop. Ha! Sandokan is not about to be outdone. He too, once broke a mast on his gallion, and was towed to safety by a pearl-fishing boat called "Silence," with, yep, an exquisite all-female crew. Be quiet, Sandokan, and let me finish. The handsome mechanic got out of his car, and they were in, well not really a workshop. It was more of a tropical garden (Ah! A workshop-garden! Lots of those on Mompracem!) Well, the car was beyond repair even by the tropical demigod, but lo! there were palm trees in the garden, bananas, even monkeys and... dinosaurs!!! Made of old car parts!!! A T. Rex, a Bronto, and even a flyosaurus! And so the good old 131 will become a piece of modern art - or was that a piece of prehistoric art? Sandokan urges Verdeluna to bring out her inner child, full of wonder and excitement but burdened by the weight of adulthood and responsibility. There's no such thing as making the wrong choice. What matters is that you follow your heart... There's one choice that Verdeluna is really proud of, and that she wouldn't ever go back on: that of chatting every night with Sandokan! And what if she chose to come to Mompracem right now, what would await her? A Pink Floyd concert! Yanez persuaded Roger Waters and David Gilmour to play at the opening of his sushi bar, built in memory of Syd Barrett. Syd lived on Mompracem ever since leaving the band, and found his guru in Yanez. Unfortunately, he succumbed to diabetes, brought on by his love of sweets... Nick Mason and Richard Wright will also be at the gig, a huge thing set up by Yanez! Hold me tight, Sandokan, hold me tight, as David strums his guitar... #52 - Today's excuse for being late: Sandokan has followed a shoal of stingrays, from the comfort of his deck chair, sipping an exquisite Yanez coffee. The magic of their electric discharges is like the magic of a kiss.. like Gustav Klimt's "The Kiss," says Verdeluna... Close your eyes and feel my fingers caressing your face, while your feet stand upon a bed of flowers... How many different kisses are there, Sandokan? - Let's see... there's the pirate's kiss, but also that of the rhino, horn against horn, or of the gazelle, side against side, the lion's kiss, as deep as its growl, and the civet cat's, and that of the Napoleon fish, as long as the Russian Campaign... But how about love kisses, between a man and a woman? Well, there's the Gone-With-The-Wind-Kiss, and frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. Then there's Doctor Zhivago's kiss for Lara. Or there's the nine-and-a-half-week kiss, for which you have to pour ice cubes on to yourself, and I don't think it's worth it... Go away! I don't mean movie kisses! Ok then... the first kiss of two lovers. The goodbye kiss outside the front porch. Or outside a restaurant. A new year's kiss, full of promise. Or a kiss in a motel, or on a little square in Paris. Or the kiss before making love, that calls on the heavens and the stars to accompany us through the night. See how many kisses you know? But I still prefer the kiss of the pirate, full of love and passion... Verdeluna saw Patrizia kiss her boyfriend, the DJ, the other day. Aaaah - it finally made her understand that her little girl is now a woman... She's a big girl now, and must have been a wise woman in her previous lives, says Sandokan. He thinks reincarnation isn't for everybody, but yes, for some people it exists. Maybe he was a captain on a large ship in a previous life, or a humble fisherman... But it must have been somthing related to the sea. Every time he looks at the sea, he feels it has always belonged to him... Could he have been a fish? Maybe, a big and majestic swordfish... Verdeluna says it's hard to believe she could ever have lived in another age but the present. In Europe at least, there is no war, no hunger, no pestilence. Living in another age would mean having to give up all of that... She wants to reincarnate as a delicious pesce luna, a moonfish! #53 - Enter Sandokan, Master Hunter of Tunafish and Assorted Crustaceans, bang on time for a change. But he isn't welcome. In fact it's better if he just went away. Just because he calls himself Sandokan, should everybody lie at his feet? - I don't call myself Sandokan. I AM Sandokan. And I don't like playing games. - Oh yeah?!? So who's playing games here? Who are you calling yourself a pirate who lives on the island of.. "Mompracem"??? - That's enough! No one ever made you chat with me if you don't want to! Just pull the plug on this conversation any time you want! - You want ME to pull the plug? Do you really think it's that easy? I work all day and have a love life to get back on track. I want you to be honest with me! - Just as YOU have to be honest too! You also could be just anybody. How do I know you are who you say you are? Are you really a mother of two children? Do you work in a shop? Are you divorced? I've heard all kinds of stories about people in chat rooms! - And why should I do that? - SHUT UP! You're clucking like a chicken! - Toc toc toc toooooooooc!!! - SHUT UP!!! - I am as silent as a tomb. And so they bicker on, until Sandokan tries a more conciliatory approach... Well OK then. She's had an awful day. First she ran into The Twit, in the local supermarket. Did they argue? Nope. Worse. Peering from behind a stack of canned tomatoes, Verdeluna saw he was alone. No Vanessa Paradiso. Then Renato saw her, and showered her with compliments. Ever the charmer, he even tried to get a date! How horrible! Verdeluna is convinced he never even realised she was his ex-wife! Then there was Walter, the priest. He'd been waiting for an hour at the shop, after leaving a message on her mobile phone. Verdeluna had answered "OK" - so where was she??? Well, the "OK" was really meant for Olivia, who wanted to meet at the gym. So she made a mistake. Who doesn't? Then, of course, she realised she'd forgotten her phone at the supermarket. She went back after work, picked it up and... there was a message.... " It's me," the message said. "Let's meet in Sailors Square at eight. Under the Mariner.'' And so she went, thinking of course that with all those maritime suggestions, it could be none other than a certain pirate... She got there twenty minutes early, and waited until quarter past. All manner of men passed by the Mariner, and poor Verdeluna was torturing herself about who could be the pirate... The kind old pharmacist, who always gives her a discount? Even Tarzan, the car mechanic, came along. He smiled, and walked past. Then there was Patrizia's math teacher, making Verdeluna cringe at the thought he might be S... (Well in that case, she'd have run to the nearest convent). In the end, no one turned up. And Verdeluna went home, gutted, humiliated, and furious at her pirate... But the pirate denies all knowledge. The message wasn't his. Simply not guilty, your honour! I would never do anything to risk losing you, Verdeluna. You've become too important to me. Mmmmmm... Really...? Then show me! Let us be carried away Verdeluna, just as we are carried away every evening. Come on board Verdeluna, and it will always be this way. Oooh Sandokan, I just can't help believing you, it's stronger than me... Hold me tight Sandokan... #54 - This time, Verdeluna is late. She was outside on the balcony and nearly got caught by a violent hailstorm. Sandokan, too, once ended up in the middle of one, just after he'd won the Labuan boat race. The weather suddenly changed, and his galleon was covered in hailstones. Yanez collected the whole lot and took them to his kiosk. That night, they celebrated Sandokan's victory with super-fresh rum mojitos! Last night, Patrizia sat down next to Verdeluna, and frantically zapped through all the TV channels. She then turned off the set, and the two of them just sat there, silent. Verdeluna knows her daughter well enough that this meant she had something important to say, but couldn't muster the courage to say it. Just like Marianna, says Sandokan, she would beat about the bush for hours, and would make me stop doing whatever I was doing. Yes, well, Patrizia said that she and her boyfriend, the DJ, have hmnnnmgh... What? They have begun to have mnwmnm.... What are you saying?? Ahem. They have started to have sex! Those were her very words! Not only that, the DJ has asked her to start taking the pill. And that's fine by Verdeluna, as long as it's her daughter's own decision, not taken under the influence of any DJ or other man! Sandokan is delighted, however, and offers to pop a bottle of Yanez' best champagne. This is great news, and it's even better that Patrizia has confided in her mother. She must be a very smart girl. But it's only yesterday that she was still my little girl. Now she's not my little girl any more. And it seems like yesterday when I met you, Verdeluna. With you, every time is like the first time. Ooh you men, you are always so harmonious, so able to hold a multitude of conflicting emotions together. With us women, it's always a disaster. We're always in turmoil.. But that's normal, Verdeluna. It's all about hormones. You women have to fight the cycle every time. And Verdeluna deals with that little problem at the gym. One good kick planted on her friend Olivia's head and she feels ever so balanced again. Yodela hoohoo! Yesterday, Verdeluna travelled to the gym by bus for the first time after the demise of her old 131. She liked the experience. Sandokan often uses the toy train that travels around Mompracem, which makes him want to shout "all'assalto!!!", or else one of Yanez converted ferries, built from old galleons. Come with me Verdeluna, to the No.24 bus stop. There's a special galleon service, only once a year, that will take us straight into space... And there's hardly ever a ticket collector... #55 - Sandokan's sense of smell is heightened by the night, and he can smell Verdeluna's perfume, like the notes of a flute, far, far away. Verdeluna is flattered, and would like to make the olfactory concert last as long as possible. But alas... her nostrils are assaulted by a strong smell of onion pervading the entire building. To Sandokan, though, that's more like a violin. Perfection itself. Like the onion fry-ups of Yanez, which attract people from all over Mompracem and, if the wind is right, even beyond. How would Valerio have seduced his astrophysicist, Verdeluna wonders, with fried onions? Maybe... And how would Sandokan seduce Verdeluna? With a magnificent pot of mussels, cooked by Yanez. No, that doesn't count. Ok, with a green salad? Yanez has a huge kitchen garden on Mompracem, so big he even gives guided tours to schoolchildren. But Sandokan's favourite has to be Nicole's Pumpkin... Nicole Kidman visited Mompracem many years ago, to prepare for her lead role in the blockbuster "Cinderella". But on visiting Yanez' kitchen garden, she got furious with him (causing poor Yanez, who likes strong women, to fall in love with her instantly), and why? Because in the entire vegetable plot, there wasn't a single pumpkin to be found. And so, Australian pumpkins being the biggest and the best in the whole wide world, Yanez had some seeds flown in from Oz and... Wham!!! He had the biggest pumpkins ever known to man. Nicole was delighted, and danced the night away with Yanez on the beach (until the stroke of midnight, when she suddenly ran away, leaving a little shoe made of crystal behind her...) Verdeluna reminisces about the huge Sunday meals she and her brothers would have with their parents at some countryside trattoria, sitting around a big table in the sunshine and gorging themselves on an endless succession of courses. And when she wanted to run away to play, her father always insisted on giving her a big hug first... Nowadays, people don't even look at each other any more, says Verdeluna. They don't greet, they don't talk, even when they're together in a lift. There are no lifts on Mompracem, but there too, society is changing... From tomorrow, Verdeluna will look the first person she meets straight into the eyes, and greet them politely. People may think she's mad, but better to be a single mad woman in a sane world than the other way round... Verdeluna has prepared a wonderful aubergine bake, famous all over the neighbourhood. The smell is absolutely devine, and she's going to put it into the oven now, just for the two of them, just for Sandokan... ...to be continued You'll find daily updates of Kabir's radio show CH@T online at kabir-bedi.com... |
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